*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.