Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.