“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.