I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.