Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’