I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.