motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.