The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Wait a minute
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The best plant holders?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…