Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
#SaturdayBears
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.