Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
You Might Also Like
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.