Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.