The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
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My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror