dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.