Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.