If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX