99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.