My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.