Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.
Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.