*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You Might Also Like
I love it all
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Tastes like chicken.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
You had me at “define legal”.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.