Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.