When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.