The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking