Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’ve had worse
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan