me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody