Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵