If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE