me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
How dramatic are you?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.