How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes