Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*exercises sarcastically*
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.