How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
2023 was just a warmup
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.