shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down