Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.