Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.