[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
This is my cat’s medicine.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.