I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.