me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket