Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
when you don’t want to be too vague
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.