I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.