My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
wtf is a larm clock?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Friends that check up on you >
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?