Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.