[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!