@emmatheist

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

@emmatheist

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

@emmatheist

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

@emmatheist

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.