writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn