the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
War & Peace
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
when revenge coincides with naptime
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
