☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???