*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
who wore it better?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light