I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
White parent Vs Arab parents
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.