The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
What personal space?
My dog
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm