So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast