I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life