I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.